Here’s the short version, from the mouth of my daughter as we were walking out of the theater, “some dude tried to get everyone to clap after the movie, but I just wanted to say the C-word.” After I stopped laughing, curiosity got the better of me, and I gave her permission to say it.

“I just kept watching the movie, and thinking, this movie is,” looks over both of her shoulders, making sure no one would hear her, and whispers, “crap.”

I was pleased to find out she has a different definition of the C-word than me. And she was right about the movie.

Not everything was bad about the movie, Affleck does fine as the tired Batman, out to take down Superman. He’s really not bad, when he isn’t mowing people down with machine guns, or exploding them, or whatever. Henry Cavill isn’t awful, I wouldn’t mind seeing him play Superman someday. Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, is far and away the best thing about the movie, and I really want to see more of her as Wonder Woman.

Amy Adams and Jeremy Irons show up for the movie. I wouldn’t mind seeing more of this more hands on Alfred. Jesse Eisenberg is annoyingly twitchy, chewing up the scenery in a way that could be campy and fun, if it was a different movie. It’s a Zack Snyder movie though, so all of his animated, vocal tics and weirdness make him just grate against everything and everyone he comes into contact with. There are a few bits of shockingly bad CGI for a movie of this budget too. The worst part of everything, though as that this movie is too long, and too ungodly boring.

Doomsday is kind of a waste, sure he does what Doomsday is known for doing, but with no set up or anything it feels so unearned. Yeah, I guess we see Luthor working to create him, but the whole fight feels half-assed. Also, how the hell close to Metropolis to Gotham? There is at the very best, seven minutes or so of a movie worth watching, which isn’t a great ratio when you consider it is a two and a half hour movie.

The whole, “this is a movie for fans, not critics,” thing is the funniest part. Well, no, the people who blindly grasp to that bit are funnier. Fans of what? Not Superman or Batman. Maybe it’s just stroking the pent-up rage boner of, “someone made fun of me for reading comic books in high school, they don’t understand, this is a VERY MATURE STORY. I’ll show them! I’ll take all that corny stuff about Superman being just a really good guy away, that’s boring. And-and-and Batman loves fucking guns, bro, remember when he totally shot someone 70 years ago. And chicks can’t be Jedi’s they didn’t earn it, not like Luke Skywalker did.”

It’s not enough to say it’s a set-up movie for Justice League, it tries and pretty much fails at everything it should be doing to set the groundwork for a new cinematic universe. I was much more excited to see what is going to happen with Suicide Squad, but with the re-shoots to add humor, I don’t know man. Things don’t look good for DC movies.

-Kris