I recently picked up the Howard The Duck Omnibus on a
quaking screaming good deal, (seriously look around Marvel is clearing them out and you can snag them at around half off) and ran across what may be the greatest character in the history of the MU.
Created by Steve Gerber and Frank Brunner, Hellcow appeared in 1975’s Giant Sized Man-Thing #5 (I bet you thought I was going to make a joke about how I have a giant sized Man-Thing, but I’m snot. Get it, I’m snot) and frankly Hellcow is amazing.
Like all good stories, the story of Hellcow begins 300 years ago in Switzerland (just like the story of Jesus. I think), where Bessie the cow is bitten by Dracula himself!
Bessie was so loved by her farmer, she was buried with a headstone and everything. After 3 days, Bessie rose from the grave (Just like the story of Jesus. I think) a simple cow no longer. Bessie was reborn as Hellcow, seeking vengeance on Dracula and his kind.
Unfortunately, Hellcow was killed in the same issue she first appeared in by Howard The Duck. You could say the steak (puts on sunglasses) got staked.
Which sucks because a vengeance driven, vampire cow, on a quest across the centuries to destroy Dracula pretty obviously has the potential to be The Greatest Story Ever Told (Just like the story of Dewey Cox).
Hellcow showed up again in 2011 in Deadpool Team-Up #885, which I haven’t read yet, I’ll have to poke around sometime and see if it’s on Marvel Unlimited.
Howard The Duck has appeared in the MCU, let’s slap some balls on Andy Serkis*, and then get one of those mo-cap suits with the balls on it and see if Andy Serkis could bring Hellcow to life. She could be cinema’s second greatest cow.
*We at The Gravy Age would like to say please don’t slap Andy Serkis with yours or anyone else’s balls without the express consent of Andy Serkis