Non-news is breaking news!

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You can’t go anywhere without seeing “Joaquin Phoenix NOT playing Dr. Strange” I’ve contacted my “unnamed sources” who are “close” to some major superhero movies. Let’s see what else isn’t happening in Hollywood, shall we?

BREAKING NEWS- According to my sources, Johnny Winter is reportedly “too albino, too dead” to play Dr. Strange.

BREAKING NEWS– Ridley Scott’s sequel to Prometheus is not in fact a stealth reboot of Mork & Mindy

BREAKING NEWS– Universal probably not going to make Guess How Many Fingers I’m Holding Up and Pick A Number Between 1 and 10 into movies. Go Fish is currently being rewritten as a PG-13 horror movie.

BREAKING NEWS– Dogs really can play poker, they just can’t deal cards for shit.

BREAKING NEWS- Dozens of idiots on the internet ask, “How would you like it if they turned Black Panther into a white guy?”

BREAKING NEWS– I’m out of coffee. Adios!

-Kris

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